What gets lost in the alienation conversation….
When allegations of parental alienation surface, the danger is that the narrative shifts away from the child.
The courtroom becomes a battlefield of adult accusations, and the child’s voice, attachments, and best interests are often silenced.
What was introduced as Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) by Richard Gardner in the 1980s has been dismantled by scholars and practitioners alike. It has no standing in theDSM-5 or ICD, it lacks empirical reliability, and it too often dismisses the complexity of a child’s lived experience.
What Matters for the Child
In Dr. Steve Hudgins’ language of Disruptive Parental Attachment (DPA)©, what matters most is not the label pinned to the parent, but the disruption in the child’s secure attachment system.
Children are designed to form bonds that protect, comfort, and stabilize them. When these bonds are disrupted by one caregiver manipulating, triangulating, or undermining the relationship with the other caregiver, the child’s emotional anchor is fractured.
Too often, children are pulled into the middle of a tug-of-war between parents. Courts sometimes even place children in the impossible position of having to “choose” where to live. Yet, let us be honest, children are not developmentally prepared for that weight. A child at 18 can vote. A person at 21 can drink legally. But a child under 18 can be manipulated, pressured, and emotionally coerced into becoming the rope that both parents pull on.
When the legal system allows or even encourages this dynamic, it fails to recognize the mental trauma it produces. The child is not choosing out of freedom, but out of fear, guilt, or divided loyalty. What looks like a decision is, in reality, a fracture in attachment.
Children should never be reduced to the role of the rope. They deserve to be shielded from adult conflict, not entangled in it. Their voices should be protected, not weaponized. Their attachments should be preserved, not pulled apart.
What matters is:
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Attachment Safety – A child must know it is safe to love and be loved by both parents.
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Voice of the Child – A child’s expressed feelings must be heard, without coercion, coaching, or silencing.
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Freedom from Role Reversal – A child must never be burdened with adult conflicts or used as a weapon.
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Emotional Consistency – A child thrives when both homes honor their dignity, instead of teaching them divided loyalties.
If you are the parent in this storm of causing disruptive attachment, pause long enough to see the eyes of your child. The rope you are pulling on is not rope at all—it is their heart. And every tug leaves scars they will carry into their own families one day. The fight you think you are winning may be the very moment you are losing your child. What matters is not the courtroom victory, but the quiet safety of a child who knows they are free to love without fear.
To the hurting parent, I know you are trying your best to show up, even when the other parent tears you down with destructive communication; whether whispered to a friend, whispered in the church hallway, argued in the courtroom, or spoken in front of the child. I know how painful it is when one parent becomes the “Disney parent,” offering gifts or leniency, while undermining the other parent’s role. These moments do not go unseen, and they do not go without wounding the child caught in the middle.
Call to Action
If you are a parent, a counselor, a pastor, or a judge—stop pulling on the rope. Begin asking: What is best for the child’s heart, not my position? Best interest of the child has become a legal slogan, but what is best for the child’s heart is a sacred responsibility.
The law can divide time, but the heart carries love. The courtroom can declare winners and losers, but the child is the one who bears the scars. When we ask what is best for their heart, not our position, we move from battles to belonging, from fractured homes to preserved attachments.
If you are in the legal system, recognize that disrupted parental attachment (DPA) is not a battle of parents, but a wound to a child’s soul.
If you are the hurting parent, keep showing up. Even when it feels unnoticed, your consistent love is the anchor your child needs.
👉 Together, we must choose to protect children from being weaponized.
Speak up. Learn. Train.
Change the conversation from alienation to Disruptive Parental Attachment©. The healing of the next generation depends on it. – Dr. Steve Hudgins, LPCS, NCC